Filed under: Thoughts and Observations | Tags: linked, motivation, self, weight loss, worth
They talk about the “reason” a lot – how they need to realize they are capable, worthy of being better.
It makes for great TV – I wonder how important it really is.
A girl just decided that it’s worth fighting for, that fighting for her place in the house, and in life, is worth it because she’s worth it.
I wonder if I feel like it’s worth it. If I’m worth it.
It seems like having that kind of inner drive, inner fight to not accept the status quo any more would blast through a lot of what I’ve been whining about – the donuts and cookies wouldn’t call to me if I had the drive to really be something better.
So many of the contestants have personal worthiness issues. They just seem to wake up, to break through to a place where they know they are worth it. That’s an interesting thing to me. I think I need to think that through a little more – or a lot.
Jillian “to be successful you have to figure out what the root of your self-destructive behaviors is”.
“Find your limits and push past them, then set even bigger goals”
“You’ll never win unless you meticulously count every calorie”
I’ve been giving yesterday’s post a lot of thought. I’m really tempted to delete it, but I’ll leave it. Maybe there’s others out there that can relate. I hope I’m not the only one…
My thinking as I drove home and back to work this morning revolved around this basic concept – it’s in my mind, it’s in my head, why do I think I can’t control this?
It occurred to me that maybe I’ve given my body too much control over my mind for too long, and my mind actually thinks my body is the boss of it! Maybe by drinking the shakes, by overcoming those setbacks that I do have, maybe I’m strengthening the mind and subjecting the body back to my will.
This brought up another thought – I’ve learned that faith and fear cannot reside in the same mind. When I learned that it was in a spiritual context, but I think it has universal application.
I sit here now, at the same desk, same keyboard, but with faith that I can do this, I feel so different. I can only describe it as personal power. I can write about the fear I was feeling yesterday, but the actual feeling is far from me. I have faith. Fear is gone.
Yesterday I had fear. Faith was nowhere to be seen.
So faith it is. I’ll picture it in my mind until my heart can feel it, then move forward with faith that my talent and initiative will find a way to make this happen. The circumstances that surround me will move together for my good. Today I can feel it…
…stepping forward into the light…
Filed under: Humor, isagenix | Tags: isagenix, losing, not recommended, recipe, shake, unofficial, weight, weight loss
Follow this recipe carefully:
1 peeled banana
2 tablespoons creamy peanut butter
1.5 cups vitamin D milk
2 cups vanilla bean ice cream
0 scoops Isagenix shake mix
Delicious!
Filed under: Nutrition | Tags: express, healthy, losing, lunch, panda, vegetables, weight, weight loss
I’m becoming really sensitive to the color brown. Have I talked about this before? Go to Wendy’s and look at the color of the stuff they give you on the tray. Brown. Some golden brown, some bunny (as in the bun on the sandwich) brown, some deep rich brown like the patty of mystery meat, some that chocolate brown of the frosty…
Just about anywhere you go they serve you brown. Deep fried brown.
Panda Express has been like that for me. I’ve been eating one “good” entree and Orange Chicken or Beijing Beef. I open the box and it’s brown. Brown chicken, brown beef. Delicious, but brown.
Then today they put up a new sign at the Panda Express I go to. First it announced instead of rice or chow mien I could have vegetables, and then there were six entrees listed that are under 250 calories each.
So I went for it. Vegetables, broccoli beef, mushroom chicken. I got back to my office and opened the box and it was in technicolor baby!
I mean it was a veritable feast for the eyes.
I did learn that you have to eat it fast, the vegetables don’t hold the heat as long as the brown. Wonder if there’s physics behind that somewhere… the color brown holds heat longer… I’ll do some research.
Or not.
So I’m feeling better now. A box full of vegetables for lunch is going to be much better for me, my psyche, and my weight loss goals.
I thought you should know.
Filed under: Family Relations, Weighing In | Tags: biggest, eat whatever the hell I want, expectations, fight, fighting, loser, losing, melt down, regret, too much sugar, tv show, weight, weight loss, wife
I watch the Biggest Loser. I kind of live what I hope to accomplish in advance by watching them… did that make sense? Everything I see them do is what I picture in my future. And when they have breakthroughs about their self-worth I realize how much I’ve suffered in that regard too, feelings of being ashamed of what I am getting in the way of me living life with joy and faith…
And I cry. Yep. Right there in front of the laptop (I watch on Hulu) I just let the tears run down my face. As they realize they are great it reaffirms it to my soul too. I am great. Sometimes I forget.
But the show has a downside. They lose HUGE numbers every week. So I get it in my head that I’m going to lose double digits every week.
So I get on the scale on Saturday and I’ve lost 4-5 more pounds. I’m devastated. So overall that’s 13 pounds in two weeks. Not bad. Actually kind of great. But that’s not how my brain saw it.
So Sunday I find myself facing fish sandwiches, pizza, a bag of candy, and more pop. I know I’m not supposed to, but for some reason I just can’t seem to shake this craving. I mean CRAVE. I eat it, I feel sick. The sugar in my system is draining my energy, I feel sluggish and heavy. And I don’t care. I want more…
Now this was kind of triggered by a pretty major emotional hit, my wife and I certainly not agreeing on a particular topic that is at the foundation of our lives. So I grab my camera, take off to find photos, and end up stopping at every convenience store I see for the next five hours…
I know, I’m not happy about it either.
Then yesterday, the machine in the break room is calling my name like some beautiful voluptuous siren. Pop tarts yesterday morning, cookies in the afternoon, then pie at home for family night refreshments last night.
So I’m thinking all of this through on the way to work today. Thinking about it while I work. How can the wheels just come off like that?
Here’s my working theory. Four pounds. I had big expectations, I came up way short, I voted myself off of the ranch. Subconsciously I think if I can’t be a hero why even try. So my mind releases all of the brakes that hold me back from what I know I don’t want, and I run into the mine field of Wendy’s ready to do myself some seriously great tasting harm.
It didn’t taste that great. I didn’t get much out of it in the way of enjoyment. Just the punishment of it all.
Man that sounds warped.
But I’m still going to the gym.
Still replacing two meals a day with shakes.
Still taking supplements.
Still feeling much better everyday.
Gotta keep those expectations in check…
Filed under: Humor, Working Out | Tags: fat, grouchy, guy, gym, help, losing, mean, offering, running, support, treadmill, weight, weight loss, workout
So I’m at the gym this morning – I don’t want to be there. No sleep last night until about 1:30–boy I’ll tell you the alarm goes off pretty early when that’s your bed time…
Then I wake up and my ankle and toe are swollen with arthritis, I can hobble but not walk. Lovely. I promised myself I was going to do this no matter what, so I drag myself down to the gym.
I get on the bike, it’s not bad after a while. I listen to RadioLab podcasts, truly inspiring stuff. So I’m digging it.
Then this guy comes in. A pudgy guy. The most obnoxious gum-chewer yet to walk this planet. I have headphones in, but I can still “hear” him chewing he’s so over-the-top about it. He jumps on a treadmill. Walking at first, then fatboy breaks into a run. And he runs, and runs, and runs. It’s kind of mesmerizing, as his front foot is coming down all of his fat is moving up. A visual symphony of opposing forces.
But he can run.
He can run.
It breaks my heart to see it. I would love to be able to just turn on a treadmill and run. I don’t care if I can only do it for 3 minutes at a time, I want to run. But arthritic ankles have me on a bike instead. So I watch him, chewing his gum in time to his running – wishing…
Now it’s time to get off of my bike, one step and I remember my ankle. I hobble up and down the hallway trying to coax my ankle into working again. As I come back down the hall I notice another guy looking at me.
You know how they look at you, begging for eye contact. Sigh. So I look at him…
He’s younger than me I think. About 6 feet 2 inches tall, pear shaped. He’s wearing a baseball cap. As he talks to me he takes it off to wipe his clearly bald head. He starts off by saying “How are you?”.
I do my first double-take. I think maybe I know him because of the familiar tone he used with me. I don’t–never seen him before in my life.
“I’m OK” I say in a way that means I’m not really OK.
“You know”, he says, “I used to be your size, I know how it feels”.
I start laughing inside. I’m an artist for a living, I’ve got a pretty good grasp of sizes, volumes, how things fit together. Quickly in my mind I grab him with a mouse by one corner and do a shift-drag to scale him up to my height. He’s still about my size! But he’s clearly trying to reach out to me…
“You know”, he continues not noticing my size-comparing smirk, “if you ever need any help, I’m here for you”.
Now he gets a full on double-take from me…
He sees it and says “I know it’s a little strange, but I’ve been down your road, let me know if I can help. I’m here all the time, just ask me”.
God love him. I’m sure he’s lost a lot of weight and thought he was doing a good thing. Between no sleep, a work out I didn’t want to do, watching fatboy run like I wish I could, and a body that seems to be bent on keeping me from accomplishing my goals just made it seem surreal to me. “Just come talk to me, I’m here all the time”??? Crazy.
He didn’t tell me his name. I didn’t ask.
P.S. Sorry if this one seems mean. That’s how it is sometimes, you know?
Filed under: Inspiration | Tags: clothes, different, feel, losing, pants, shirt, weight, weight loss
Pulled on my jeans this morning, fresh from the laundry (thanks LeeAnn for doing that for me, I am grateful) and they just buttoned.
I pulled them up, braced for the stress of pulling the button and the button hole together around my waist, and there was no exertion needed. They just buttoned.
Sitting in my car on the drive to work, my shirt hangs around me differently. I can’t really put it into words, it just feels different.
I’ve been here before, the front end when the weight starts coming off. Where you feel the difference but nobody can really see a difference yet. This time I’m celebrating them. I’m counting them as signs that I’m getting where I need to be.
Doug Losing Weight 