Doug Losing Weight

Biggest Loser had a pretty profound effect on my last night.

There’s a girl on there, she’s blue.  See how great I am with names?  I looked it up, her name is Victoria.  The show shows her running sprints one day – she kept grabbing the edge of the treadmill and jumping off.  Jillian wasn’t going to let her go until she did it correctly.  It took her two hours to finally do it.

Next day.  Jillian tells her she’s going to run sprints next to every person there while they run sprints.  She has to do 35 sets of sprints where the day before she could barely do five.  Know what?  She did it!  She broke through and did it physically.  But after she was done she was almost morose, almost pouting.  I couldn’t understand it.  Neither could Jillian.

Jillian pulls her aside and says, in essence, “You should be celebrating a huge accomplishment in your life, but you’re acting like you’ve been punished, like you’re in trouble.  You’re acting like you’re a victim here”.

BAM!  Tears are running out of my eyes.  Victoria is telling Jillian how she never feels like she’s good enough, at anything.  That hits a deep chord with me – a huge chunk of what makes me tick right there in one sentence.  I never feel like I’ve done it “right”, that I’m good enough to be loved, to be admired, for people to look up to me.  It affects my life as a father, my spirituality, my career, as a husband – well, you get it.  My whole life I’m fighting this sickening fear, this whispering underneath all the confidence and accomplishment–”you’re not good enough”.

Of course, last night, sitting on my bed with my laptop watching Biggest Loser on Hulu, I don’t really know any of this.  I just know I’m crying.  Something has hit something deep within me.

I woke up this morning realizing the “why”.

The corollary to this is the realization that I’m going to the gym, that I’m eating every meal in “victim mode”.  Like I’m being punished for my past sins of gluttony.  Sackcloth and ashes riding a stationary bike, doing penitence for my sins.

I woke up this morning and realized that’s bullshit.  Sorry.  That’s what I thought.

That coupled with my chat with the skinny/strong lady at the gym, and Bob saying that we find our barriers, we break through, and we set bigger goals feels like my breakthrough.

I started strength training.  I’ve been avoiding it because it adds weight when I add muscle.  Let it be.  I LOVE lifting heavy weight, feeling my muscles screaming as the lactic acid builds.  That shaky feeling when you finally drop the weight and blood flow is restored to the muscle.  It’s so great!

I love it. I deserve to do stuff I love.  I’m doing it.

Then on the bike, every time my legs started aching, instead of shifting to a lower gear to release the pain, I pedaled harder.  Listening to Nickelback, pedaling to the beat.  Seeing my muscles aching as a barrier to break through, to smash!  I kicked my butt!  In twenty minutes I went 7 miles – mostly uphill.  A new record for sure.  I’m breaking it tomorrow.

I’m not a victim.  I’m taking back my life!  I’m not robbing myself of food that tastes good, punishing myself, I’m eating food that will enable my body to regain that life sooner.  I’m doing those things because I CHOOSE.  I am in control here.

It’s been a good 12 hours.

And while we’re at it.  Screw the scale.  If I feel better, if I break through new barriers every day, if I lift heavier weights and feel my body getting stronger–it is enough.  The scale will comply to my goals in time.